Sometimes I really think life is just playing a joke on us. It's not like I'm ungrateful for what I have. I live a good life, a very good one, but there's always something more to want. I'm not talking about anything materialistically, though there are things there I'd like to have, but just want... Always repeating my actions. It's like an outer-body experience where I'm fully aware of what I'm doing, continuing to make the same mistakes, but still I don't pull away and change. Gotta learn to live with the ball in my court and show more willpower. It really is so much easier spouting advice to others than taking it myself. I find it unfair, almost cruel, but I suppose it's my fault. I can do something about it I'm sure, but the determination isn't there...only fear. Always waiting and waiting. Maybe I'm too impatient and this is just a test. Maybe the good will come, maybe the happy ending is still there. Still waiting. I'll be an optimist, what else can I be? I'd totally die if I gave into pessimism. No silver lining there. Absolute exhaustion. Takes more of a toll on my mind and body than exercising. It's an emotional weight. Have patience. Stay strong. Believe. | 
